Thursday, June 21, 2012


Are you familiar with the old song lyrics, "Why do you build me up, buttercup, baby just to let me down?"  Well, right now "buttercup" is messing with us.  We had a young guy come take a look at our house on Tuesday, then he brought his mom back Wednesday to see it because she's fronting some money for him. Our realtor talked to his realtor who made it sound like we'd be getting an offer today.  It's nearly 9pm on Thursday and we don't have an offer yet.  *sigh*  I woke up this morning with high hopes and a bounce in my step. As of twenty minutes ago I've drowned my sorrow in hot fudge and coffee flavored ice cream. So, it's not all bad.  According to his realtor he's going out of town today. So I guess we just twiddle our thumbs awhile longer.

On the job front: Mark had an interview with a cool company on Monday. Then, an interview on Tuesday with a healthcare company that has already invited him back for a three hour interview tomorrow.  He went to a job networking deal this evening and got the scoop on a position at another awesome place.  So all in all, I'd say things are looking up. Or at least progressing a bit.  His final interview at another place is the 29th which seems like eons from now.  I honestly think he might get an offer from another company before then.  We'll see.  There's a larger plan at work and I'm really working on my patience.

Yesterday I took Birdie to the little splash park with her friends while Mark stayed home with the baby.  It is sort of handy to have a manny.  Although, a steady paycheck trumps manny duties.

So build me up, Buttercup, don't break my heart :)

Sunday, June 17, 2012

Fathers Day

I'm just not a fan of Fathers Day. Or Mothers Day, really.  My dad had a few redeeming qualities, but on the whole, he's an asshat.  I haven't spoken to him in nearly ten years, on purpose.  As I was growing up, he pretty much demonstrated that he (and other people) were more important to him than I was.  And, just to keep it short and simple, my real mom died when I was three. So, these Hallmark holidays have always stung a little bit.  I don't need to pay any kind of homage to my dad.

I wish I did. I sort of grieve the dad I never had.  It hurts that I'll never have a a male role model to demonstrate unconditional non creepy love to me.  I don't have a dad that thinks about my well being and tells me everything will be alright.  I don't get to cuddle up to my dad as he kisses my forehead and strokes my hair and puts my needs before his own.

The cool thing is that my husband is trying to be the dad he and I never had, to our daughters.  He even read a book called Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters so he could make sure he's doing it right. Or as right as anyone can hope to get it.  He's making an effort to be a great dad to our girls.  He gets on the floor and plays with them. He makes meals for them. He changes diapers and soothes cries, walks the floor holding a sleepless baby at 2am...without complaint.  He hangs out with them while I take a break for a few hours.  He treasures their smiles, hugs and funny things they say and do.  He journals about them. They are more important than himself to him.  We plan for their future. We discuss discipline and concerns. We co-parent. We care. I feel so blessed to have a husband who gives a shit (and more) about his kids. He's vested, interested, committed, involved, and sacrificing .  His girls mean the world to him and they will grow up knowing it.  I wish I could've been so lucky, but maybe this is even better.

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

The drone of limbo

I have a little hum going on in my skin almost all the time right now. It's anxiety.  It snuck in when I let my guard down I guess.  Things were on an upswing, or so I thought, until they were on a different swing altogether.  I don't want to say a downswing because I don't know if that's true.  It might be a swing for the better.  A swing toward something better. That's what I'm praying for anyway.  My husband and I listed our house for sale in March. I was so excited! I've been itching to move back to the country for years and it was finally going to happen.  Then he lost his job on May 11.  Have I mentioned this yet?  Yeah. So anyway. He'd been there for ten or so years. A few years ago a bigger company bought them and eventually stopped funding most projects except for one government contract (the reason they bought the company to begin with). My husband was on the losing end of that deal. His boss gave him a heads up that he'd be turned loose soon...and he made good on his word. We're a smidge over one month into unemployment now.  I'm not freaking out. But I do have a low frequency anxiety going on.  He's been interviewing with some companies. He's getting ready to go into his final (fourth) interview with one company and they have it narrowed to three candidates.  It's just seems like quicksand right now.  And it seems like we're in one of those horror movies where you're running down the spooky hallway and the hallway just keeps getting longer and longer.  Yeah, just like that.  I know he's going to get something soon. I have faith which is why I'm not having an out and out panic attack. 
Our house is still for sale. The catch is, if we sell it right now, we can't buy another one because nobody is going to give a loan to unemployed people.  What, you think this is 2008 or something?

So the tape running through my head most days is this: Where are we going to live? Where is Mark going to work? Where are the girls going to go to school? When can I get all our stuff out of storage? What is the lesson in this?

Mark has some big interviews coming up in the next two weeks. I'll be praying that something good happens. I'm ready for us to turn the page and move into the next chapter of our loves...and to have health insurance.