Saturday, February 23, 2008

Movie Night

Boo and I just got home from seeing a movie at the new all digital theater. It looks the same to me as the old method of showing a movie. So, you're wondering what we saw? "Fool's Gold"
It's the new movie with Matthew Mcconaughey and Kate Hudson. It was cute in a silly chick flick kind of way. We had actually tried to see "Vantage Point" but when we walked into the theater it was so packed we would've had to sit in the very front. I don't pay $9.50 a pop to see the actors nosehairs.
I like Kate Hudson. She's got very small boobs and seems to be pretty Okay with it. Most actresses are having all kinds of plastic installed, but not her. I need to be more confident about my flat chest. Thanks Kate!
Anyway, you get to see a side shot of Matty's ass which is very nice. Which leads me to my next point...which is not really a point but a list. The list of celebrities that I would be allowed to sleep with if the opportunity presented itself. And let's be honest, the opportunity is never going to present itself so this is just a teenage fantasy list...even though I'm 32. Just so you know, Boo has full knowledge of this list and might even have his own list. So, off we go, in no particular order...except for the first one.

1. Matthew (Matty) Mcconaughey
2. Matt Damon
3. George Clooney
4. Brad Pitt
5. Maybe Mark Wahlberg

So, there you go. My list of celebrity men that have been selected by a very stringent set of criteria: They are in shape and seem like they might be great in the sack.
Of course none of them hold a candle to my heart like Boo.
For a good laugh check out this link

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Napoleon complex, doggie style

My dog just doesn't respect me. She never listens to me. I know this is my fault because I didn't give her any formal training. So, I realize I am the problem in the equation.

Todays scene in the snow covered backyard:

Me: go potty Mya
Mya: runs flippantly out into the snow (we have a big unfenced backyard)
Me: getting anxious because I realize that Phoebe the devil dog is in her backyard which is connected to our backyard. Phoebe is a remarkabley good fence climber.
Me: fearing for my dogs life and yelling, "Mya! Mya! Come in!"
Mya: runs parallel to wear I search of a place to poop while threatening Phoebe with her "I'm too big for my britches" little big dog bark.
Me: "MYA!" Then I give in to the fact that she isn't listening to me. So I leave my post at the back door and race into the bathroom where Boo is taking a shower. "Boo! Mya is in the backyard with Phoebe, I need your help!"
Still Me: racing back to the back door just in time to see Phoebe climb her fence with the dreaded sound of her toenails making the chain link "chink chink" rattle.
Mya: Circles and crouches to poop.
Me: running out into the yard to scoop Mya up as soon as her last turd hits the ground. I stand over her with one eye on Phoebe. Whoops! Not fast enough! Mya races away from me toward Phoebe barking like, "Ha ha! I've got my mom for back up!"
Me again: running after Mya with my arms outstretched yelling "Damn it Mya come here! Phoebe GO HOME!"
Boo: turns up outside on the deck with a towel around his waist and actual soap lather in his chest hair. I really can't remember if he said anything.
Me: Mya thinks we're playing a chasing game and is having a great time. I am gasping for air running in the snow. I finally catch her and spank her butt. I was so afraid Phoebe was going to eat her and so angry that she wouldn't let me help her because I never trained her to come to me when I said so.
All of us: We go inside and Phoebe actually listened to me when I told her to go home. At least somebody listened to me. My dog and I need to sit down and have a talk. Oh yea, she won't sit when I tell her to either.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

No Bandits, it's better than that.

*sigh* I am rubbing my eyes and scratching my head. I don't even know where to begin.

Our honeymoon, and by honeymoon I really mean the shittiest trip ever, was a bust.

The Beginning of the End

We left on Saturday Feb. 9th and the trouble started during our layover at O'Hare. I had a little tickle in my throat that gradually became a deep bronchial whoop that threatened to produce one of my lungs onto the floor. Our layover was four hours during which time I curled up in the hard, cold gray vinyl chairs in the terminal. I was becoming restless and irritable. Finally we boarded our United flight. Sat on the plane. There was a mechanical issue. Sit some more. Deplane. (not dee-playne! dee-playne!) They had to get a new plane for us. Board the new plane. Holy shit there is another small mechanical issue. Sit on the plane. Finally, we can push back and fly toward Cancun.

Upon arrival it took forever to get thru customs and I had to keep sitting on the floor in line. Then we rode in a van from the airport all the way down to Playa Del Carmen to our resort.
We arrived there around 9pm. We left our house that morning at 5am so you can imagine my relief when we finally got there. Okay, we're here! Let's get this party started! Right? Not so much.
My throat was on fire! Or, "en fuego!" the locals might say. And I was beginning to have chills.
I toughed it out on Sunday and we actually went to the pool for a little while. I drank five Malibu and diets and didn't realize it until we left the pool and got out of the sun. I was sunburned and hammered, both unintentional. Well, that sunburn didn't help my cause. That night I went to bed shivering and chilling only to wake up in puddles of sweat.
Monday it was time to call the doctor. We realized that our excellent forethought to buy travel insurance was paying off because the doctors services would be reimbursed.
Just a side note: If anyone ever offers you an extra insurance policy when you're traveling, buy it. This includes the little insurance policy on rental cars too. Boo learned that the hard way. But that's another story.
Okay, so the Mexican doctor comes to the hotel room and offers two options after checking me out. Option one: pills Option two: a shot in the ass plus pills (the shot works quicker)
Obviously I chose the shot/pills combo because I want to feel better as quickly as possible. I honestly can't remember the last time I had an actual shot in my butt cheek. But it stings like a bitch...a bee...a bitchy bee!
Meanwhile, Boo is very sweet and takes care of me and sacrifices his sunshine honeymoon time to hang out in the room with me while I sleep/freeze/sweat/cough and cry.
Fast forward to Thursday. Yea, the shot happened Monday and I wasn't feeling better until Thursday. So anyway, Thursday we claimed a spot by the pool, in the shade and pretty much parked ourselves there all day. We even went snorkeling in the lagoon, which was very cool because I had never been snorkeling before. We saw some very colorful fish, a lobster and Boo had a little friend swimming near his crotch. That was funny! We were under water and I looked at Boo and noticed he had a fish the size of my hand traveling between his legs, as his own personal reef. I pointed and Boo glanced down and actually let out a little underwater scream that came out of his snorkel. Ha ha! A funny little moment.
Friday we went horseback riding on the beach and in the ocean. I was feeling better at that point but Boo was beginning his desent into sickness. The ride seemed to be riddled with unsavory happenings. Two or three people fell off or their horses laid down in the sand. The worst was the guy that tried to bail off his horse when he lost control and he ended up bleeding from the head and had to go to the hospital. But Boo and I had good caballos (cub-eye-o's) named Pepe and Loco. Riding in the ocean was pretty cool and wore my most tropical bikini. Go ahead create the imagery....a slightly overweight early 30's pasty white chick in a turquiose bikini with little square wooden beads on a chocolate brown horse gracefully wading in the crystal clear caribbean ocean. Actually, when I saw the photo I wasn't as fat as I thought I was.
After the riding we took a nap then headed to 5th avenue in Playa to do a little souvenir shopping. We saw some interesting people and found some stuff for everyone. I had a picture taken with a squirrel monkey on my head.
When we got back to the room I was checking out the souvenir's and realized we were missing some. Boo hadn't paid attention to the cashier when she was putting everything in the bag. So the only thing we ended up with was one t-shirt. So, we re-shopped and it just wasn't the same. Boo was really frustrated but, what can you do?
So, Saturday morning we arrived at the airport in Cancun only to discover our United flight was Cancelled due to MAINTENANCE ISSUES! Can you effing believe it? United has some broke ass planes and I won't ever use them again. They had to rebook every passenger on that flight. Luckily we were rebooked on a different airline and flew thru Charlotte to Indy. Poor Boo was miserable the whole trip home. I felt bad for him because I knew how he felt.

There's no place like it, especially if you're sick. I am very appreciative of my home, friends, family and family doctor. I don't even care that it's colder than a well diggers ass here. It's my home.
So, a few words of wisdom:
All inclusive resorts are okay if you don't stay more than four days, the food gets boring.
Try not to hype the vacay up too much, you don't want to be disappointed.
Buy travel/rental car insurance (I don't care if you think your policy will cover it, it won't.)
Don't piss off the moray eels or step on the stingrays.
Give a small tip at the all-inclusive even though you don't have to, you'll get better service.
Don't fly effing United Airlines.

So, there you go. I'll post some photos when I download them.

Friday, February 8, 2008

Hola Amigo!

It's the night before my honeymoon and all I can think about are Mexican bandits kidnapping me. Boo and I decided on a belated honeymoon since I am so fond of autumn and didn't want to leave it behind in October when we were married. We decided February is the crappiest month of winter. Although it is numerically the shortest month; it is long in a very sneaky wintery way. So we are gettin' the hell out of dodge for a whole week. The warm tropics of Playa del Carmen await us. In case you are geographically challenged, that is one hour south of Cancun. It's also one hour south of all the hoopla, crazy drunken tourists and high rise resorts.
Our resort is on 85 acres of jungle and it's only three stories tall. I'll provide the link when I get home and I'm not about to crawl in bed. Our flight is at 7:15am...the sooner I sip a pina colada by the ocean.
My mom has got me all wound up about wild bandits though, "You know they like American women and steal them sometimes." "They might hold up your van when you're in the middle of nowhere!" I'm a bit anxiety prone, and what I mean by that is I take medication to chill my ass out. I really don't need her help thinking up irrational shit for me to pile onto the irrational shit I've already thought of on my own.
Anyway, if this is my last post for more than two weeks, send someone after me in the Riviera Maya; the bandits got me.

Saturday, February 2, 2008

Groundhog Day

I guess I've been pretty busy since it's been one month since my last post. I'm so sorry to neglect you that way. Let me get you up to speed....

New Years Eve: Lots of fun, low key at moms house. We got a call that night that Boo's gran was going to the ER.

In the next week or so gran got progressively worse and had to eventually be moved into the Hospice center. Gran had a living Will that said very clearly she didn't want any artificial forms of life support. Boo's brother and A flew in town and we all hunkered down taking shifts at her bedside. Well, Gran hung in a little longer than we though she would. So, we all disbanded for a day or so and sure enough, after the last person went home Gran decided she would slip quietly away. She never wanted anyone to make a fuss over her. The funeral was in her hometown on a very cold and blustery day but most of Boo's family made it in town for the event. It was nice to meet them although not on great terms. I am happy for Gran. Only the people left behind are broken hearted.

So, now it's the first of February and I am looking forward to spring soon. Boo and I are taking our honeymoon in exactly one week. I've been shopping buying new sunglasses and shorts. I even bought a new bikini. Yep, a bikini! I've been doing Pilates and interval training on the treadmill. I am not where I'd like to be, but I'm close enough that I feel qualified to wear a bikini. I'm always going to have wide hips which makes my ass look wide ...and flat. And I've made my peace with my hips. One of these days they will serve me well.

The horse is fat and sassy. I haven't ridden in months because I am a cold weather weenie. The dogs are hairy and never seem to have enough attention. They are both laying at my feet below the dining room table right now. Farley is going through a stage with his nose. He has to smell everything, and not just smell it, but put his nose right on it. If you are on the receiving end of his wet cold snoot, beware. Boo got out of the shower and bent over to get something out of bottom cabinet one day. He let out a yelp that startled me so much I came to see what happened. Apparently, Farley's nose came up from behind and tried to root around Boo's man parts. I never laughed so hard!

Today I am trying to get caught up on housework which always seems to include extra work. I get overwhelmed and I don't know where to start so I just don't start.