Monday, January 23, 2012

Thoughts of a stay at home mom.

Little dog sleeping next to me on the couch. Big dog sleeping in the kitchen. Littlest baby asleep in her swing. Toddler sleeping in her bed, with a fever.  Mama sitting in the couch contemplating lifes biggest questions. I gotta stop doing that. I get so restless sometimes; wondering if I'm making the right choices. Am I happy enough? Am I screwing my kids up? Should I be working or staying at home? Will anyone notice the dust in my house, or the dog hair tumbleweeds?  Should I clean out my closet?
How long am I going to live? Why is my husband buying soda at the office; how long is he going to live?  Should we sell our house and move right now? Why does the squeaky floorboard in the hallway bother me so much?  What career do I want when I eventually go back to work? Should I play it safe or go for broke?  What color highlights do I want? How should I cut my hair? Why am I lazy about using lotion on my dry skin? When am I going back to the dentist to get my cavity filled?  Why don't I take better care of my teeth?  Is it really too much trouble to wipe my make-up off at night?  Will my mom still come visit as often if we move across town?  Why do I put so much pressure on myself? Why can't I live in the moment? Why do I procrastinate? Why can't I just pick one thing and do it?  Why am I a lazy cook most of the time?  Why do donuts tempt me so much? Why don't I exercise more?  Is my stomach ever going to look decent after two c-sections? Are my boobs going to look like tube socks and tennis balls when I'm done breastfeeding?  When will I stop absorbing other peoples problems and feel them as if they were my own?  Seriously, I get anxiety when I hear about someone else having problems.  That can't be healthy.  Do I really want to move back to the country; because sometimes it's scary being far away from resources and other people? And there are no streetlights that I've become accustomed to these last 15 years away from the country. Will it be like riding a bike? Will I just get back into the country living way of life once I'm there? I want to. It makes me nervous though.
And with all those things on my mind, I must sign off. Baby Autumn hasn't pooped for two days and she decided right now, while I'm writing, would be the time to let loose.  So much time for questions but no time for answers.

Friday, January 20, 2012

Snow day Snuggles

Dear Autumn,

You're asleep on my chest in your fuzzy pink jumper. Warm and snuggly on this cold snowy day. I hope you will always want to snuggle in close for comfort from your mama.
I love you.
- Mama

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Rainy Snuggles

This morning you woke up around 7am and I took you to the potty. You're doing such a great job with potty training! It was a warm stormy morning which is unusual for January. So instead of going to the living room to watch cartoons, we went back to bed. I brought you into my bed to snuggle and listen to the rain and thunder. For about 30 minutes we snuggled on this dark rainy morning and I told you stories about a little girl and a horse. You especially liked the one about you riding a white pony in a field full of flowers while it rained. Then a rainbow came out and you and the pony smiled and you liked hearing about the colors in the rainbow. it was so great to watch you suck your thumb and twirl your hair next to me on the pillow. Your big eyes watching me as I told the stories. Maybe you'll be a snuggler after all.

Friday, January 13, 2012

8 weeks old.


You're such a sweet pink baby girl.
This morning you were squirmy probably from gas. I held you to my chest and rocked you as the snow fell outside on this frigid January day.
Now you're sleeping peacefully in your swing. The rhythmic sound of it swaying you is about to put me to sleep too.
Sweet dreams,