Never Say Never

"I never want to live in an apartment again."  Whoops! And here is my ass, sitting in an apartment, again.  Really though, it's not so bad.  This will be our third night in the apartment. We moved Saturday; it was the loooooooongessssssstttttt day. Ever.  And a small scale debacle of sorts.  The movers were an hour and a half late. When I asked what kind of lunch break they would be taking, the response was, "Well, if the clients buying, we eat whatever."  Mkay. That was not the question but I see what you did. You just insinuated that we buy your lunch and now I feel obligated.  So, what the hell would you like from McDonald's because that's what we're having.  Oh, you don't eat McDonald's because it's unhealthy? Well, your two mover buddies do, so let me take their orders and I guess you're on your own because I'm not making two stops. Fast forward to the part where we all sit down to our unhealthy McDonald's lunch and he pulls out a Powerade and a bag of Funyons. For real. And did I sit silently by and pretend not to notice? Hell no. I smugly said, I'm so glad your eating Funyons instead of McDonald's...it's way better for you! 
Now, these were nice guys. Educated too, not jughead meathead mover guys.  We even discussed theology and conspiracy theories a bit. I liked them. Okay, I liked two of them. Mr. Funyon was just okay.
Now to the part where Funyon gps'd our new address and somehow took our stuff to the ghetto instead of our new address. I was not happy.

Finally they show up at the correct destination and promptly drop and mangle my new upright freezer. I'm not happy. See a theme?  Really, it was like I watched it roll off the dolly in slow motion and saw the three of them not catch it. I clapped my hands to my face as my jaw dropped and I think I made a weird "eeks" type noise.  Now I'm waiting for the company to call me about the damage report. I intend to give them an earful about the three stooges.

On the upside, we're here. Our stuff is here. We officially close on our old house this week. I can almost hear that chapter quietly thump closed like an old dusty book.  I'm really enjoying the apartment so far. It sort of feels like we're on vacation and staying in an awesome hotel suite.  We haven't been to the pool yet, but I plan to as soon as Birdy gets feeling better. Poor thing has had a fever all day with a cough.  Crossing my fingers that the rest of us don't get it.

We will continue our search for a house of property to build a house on, but we're not in a huge hurry
because camping at the apartment might be fun for a bit :)

Ch ch ch ch changes....

So much to catch you up on! And by "you" I mean the one person besides myself who looks at this blog a few times a year (Barb, where are you? I've lost my readership...)
Buttercup did make an offer on our house. We accepted it. Then we had to pay for a new roof and part of the chimney to be rebuilt.  Seriously.  It was all unavoidable if we wanted to keep him ensnared in the house buying deal.  I would've had literally chased him down the street with a butterfly net and some duct tape if he'd tried to get away.  Oh no mister, you WILL buy this house because I'M not living on this side of town anymore. No sir. And with that, we have a pending offer.
We close August 8th. Hallalooyer.

In other breaking news, Mark got not one, but TWO job offers. Sweet Jesus, thank you thank you.
He really liked one company but it took them twelve weeks to coordinate four interviews. In the meantime another company interviewed him for six hours over the course of a week and made the first offer.  He liked each company equally because each offered a unique set of opportunities and challenges.  But, early bird gets the worm, right? So he informed his recruiter that he'd accepted a position with another company. That recruiter then delivered the news to the snail-like company.  They were aghast with surprise that he didn't put off all other job offers to wait and see if they would make an offer.  In an unexpected turn of events, the CEO of Snails-R-Us called my husband directly and explained they were on the verge of making an offer and would he please reconsider if he gently twisted his arm.  Needless to say, my husband was very flattered by the offer, and really has admiration for the company and the people he met there.  My husband said he'd call him back in a day.  We discussed the situation and decided that Speedy Company had a much larger enterprise situation with more room for growth and besides that, he'd already accepted the offer and would remain true to his word.  He called back Mr. CEO and said I really like you and your company but right now, I've accepted another opportunity and I'm sticking with it.  Mr. CEO understood and hopefully saw the value in my husbands integrity.

So ends the job saga of 2012, I hope.  My husband is extremely happy where he is now and that makes me happy too.  I feel very blessed. 

Buttercup

Are you familiar with the old song lyrics, "Why do you build me up, buttercup, baby just to let me down?"  Well, right now "buttercup" is messing with us.  We had a young guy come take a look at our house on Tuesday, then he brought his mom back Wednesday to see it because she's fronting some money for him. Our realtor talked to his realtor who made it sound like we'd be getting an offer today.  It's nearly 9pm on Thursday and we don't have an offer yet.  *sigh*  I woke up this morning with high hopes and a bounce in my step. As of twenty minutes ago I've drowned my sorrow in hot fudge and coffee flavored ice cream. So, it's not all bad.  According to his realtor he's going out of town today. So I guess we just twiddle our thumbs awhile longer.

On the job front: Mark had an interview with a cool company on Monday. Then, an interview on Tuesday with a healthcare company that has already invited him back for a three hour interview tomorrow.  He went to a job networking deal this evening and got the scoop on a position at another awesome place.  So all in all, I'd say things are looking up. Or at least progressing a bit.  His final interview at another place is the 29th which seems like eons from now.  I honestly think he might get an offer from another company before then.  We'll see.  There's a larger plan at work and I'm really working on my patience.

Yesterday I took Birdie to the little splash park with her friends while Mark stayed home with the baby.  It is sort of handy to have a manny.  Although, a steady paycheck trumps manny duties.

So build me up, Buttercup, don't break my heart :)

Fathers Day

I'm just not a fan of Fathers Day. Or Mothers Day, really.  My dad had a few redeeming qualities, but on the whole, he's an asshat.  I haven't spoken to him in nearly ten years, on purpose.  As I was growing up, he pretty much demonstrated that he (and other people) were more important to him than I was.  And, just to keep it short and simple, my real mom died when I was three. So, these Hallmark holidays have always stung a little bit.  I don't need to pay any kind of homage to my dad.

I wish I did. I sort of grieve the dad I never had.  It hurts that I'll never have a a male role model to demonstrate unconditional non creepy love to me.  I don't have a dad that thinks about my well being and tells me everything will be alright.  I don't get to cuddle up to my dad as he kisses my forehead and strokes my hair and puts my needs before his own.

The cool thing is that my husband is trying to be the dad he and I never had, to our daughters.  He even read a book called Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters so he could make sure he's doing it right. Or as right as anyone can hope to get it.  He's making an effort to be a great dad to our girls.  He gets on the floor and plays with them. He makes meals for them. He changes diapers and soothes cries, walks the floor holding a sleepless baby at 2am...without complaint.  He hangs out with them while I take a break for a few hours.  He treasures their smiles, hugs and funny things they say and do.  He journals about them. They are more important than himself to him.  We plan for their future. We discuss discipline and concerns. We co-parent. We care. I feel so blessed to have a husband who gives a shit (and more) about his kids. He's vested, interested, committed, involved, and sacrificing .  His girls mean the world to him and they will grow up knowing it.  I wish I could've been so lucky, but maybe this is even better.

The drone of limbo

I have a little hum going on in my skin almost all the time right now. It's anxiety.  It snuck in when I let my guard down I guess.  Things were on an upswing, or so I thought, until they were on a different swing altogether.  I don't want to say a downswing because I don't know if that's true.  It might be a swing for the better.  A swing toward something better. That's what I'm praying for anyway.  My husband and I listed our house for sale in March. I was so excited! I've been itching to move back to the country for years and it was finally going to happen.  Then he lost his job on May 11.  Have I mentioned this yet?  Yeah. So anyway. He'd been there for ten or so years. A few years ago a bigger company bought them and eventually stopped funding most projects except for one government contract (the reason they bought the company to begin with). My husband was on the losing end of that deal. His boss gave him a heads up that he'd be turned loose soon...and he made good on his word. We're a smidge over one month into unemployment now.  I'm not freaking out. But I do have a low frequency anxiety going on.  He's been interviewing with some companies. He's getting ready to go into his final (fourth) interview with one company and they have it narrowed to three candidates.  It's just seems like quicksand right now.  And it seems like we're in one of those horror movies where you're running down the spooky hallway and the hallway just keeps getting longer and longer.  Yeah, just like that.  I know he's going to get something soon. I have faith which is why I'm not having an out and out panic attack. 
Our house is still for sale. The catch is, if we sell it right now, we can't buy another one because nobody is going to give a loan to unemployed people.  What, you think this is 2008 or something?

So the tape running through my head most days is this: Where are we going to live? Where is Mark going to work? Where are the girls going to go to school? When can I get all our stuff out of storage? What is the lesson in this?

Mark has some big interviews coming up in the next two weeks. I'll be praying that something good happens. I'm ready for us to turn the page and move into the next chapter of our loves...and to have health insurance.

Most Days

Most days I feel really blessed to be a mom. The other days I want to own a Jeep Wrangler and live like a bohemian in the southwest. I'd wear faded jeans, tank tops and cowboy boots all the time. I'd have a trusty dog to ride with me as the dust billowed behind us and the wind blew back our hair (and ears).

Where was I? Oh yes, most days. I have two of the sweetest little girls, ever. (Ahem, most days they are sweet).  So, Mothers Day weekend we were fairly busy.  Saturday my inlaws came up for a visit. They went to Birdies swim lesson with us, then treated us to lunch at Olive Garden.  Gram and Gramdad is what we call them. It's supposed to be "Grandad" but Wren says "Gramdad," which is way cuter.

They went home after lunch. The girls took really good naps (thanks heavens). Then, it was time to go visit my mom, who is too cool to be called Grandma. We call her "Grannah."  She lives five minutes from our house so it's really convenient.  My brother, his wife and their little girl, Briar, were there too.
Wren is only three months older than Briar so they have a great time playing together.  Autumn will be playing with them this time next year.

Gigi was also there. She's my grandma, also affectionately referred to as Big Toe. She has really long toes. She's about the funniest, coolest grandma I've ever known.

We cooked out burgers and dogs, sweet corn and baked beans. My sister in law, Dixie, made a strawberry cake. Beautiful mild weather and blue skies!  

The next day, actual Mothers Day, I hung out with Mark and the girls.  Mark made breakfast. Then we packed a picnic lunch and drove to Zionsville to the playground. We had the place all to ourselves and it was a lot of fun. Later that day the girls gave me a cover for my Nook and a card.
It was a nice simple Mothers Day :)   Yes, most days, the majority of days, I wouldn't have it any other way. 

Game of Life

Remember playing the board game, "Life?" I loved the multicolor road that went around the board
and the little plastic hills glued to the road. Then you drive your little plastic convertible car gamepiece around the multicolored road gradually filling it with little pink and blue stick people. Yeah, so fun! Well, I feel like multicolored plastic birds have repeatedly crapped in my hair as we drive our plastic car. 
In reality, we found out my husband is getting laid off from his job this month.  It happens. This is the first time it's happened to us.  He's been with his company for 11 years and now they are handing him his hat as the theater goes dark.  No, he doesn't work at a theater...he works in information technology.  There's no theater, lets move on.
He's had several interviews and job leads. Lots of irons in the fire and recruiters working to get him re-employed.  It wouldn't be such a big deal if we had two incomes. Alas, I'm a stay at home mama with a baby attached to my boobs.  So, I won't be hoofing it out into the job market.  In actuality and all honestly, I'm not too nervous yet.  I think he's going to land a gig soon.  There will probably some gap time between jobs and we'll need to get Cobra insurance but it's not dire yet.

The other side of the coin is that our house has been on the market for two months. Our showings have slacked off considerably which kinda works out given our current situation.  After Mark finds a new job we might drop the price to drive more showings and get a quicker sale. Right now though, we're gonna sit tight and wait for the bird crap to get washed out of our hair.

Scary Sharks

The other day Wren and her Dada were drawing on the chalkboard in her room.  They were drawing the ocean and all the creatures who live there.  Wren will be three in July so most of what she knows about the ocean, she learned from Finding Nemo.

They drew, ahem, Nemo. Jellyfish, sea turtles, Dory the angelfish and finally "scary sharks."  When she said scary sharks, she also held up her hands and wiggled her fingers and spoke in a whispered ominous voice. "Scary sharks!"

While I think it's hilarious, I also think its unfortunate.  I hate that my daughter is learning fear at such a young age.  She's also recently afraid that "Swiper" is going to come pilfer everything from our home.  She handed her baby sister a toy and said, "Mama, Swiper no swiping from Baby Aum!" I hate that she really thinks a cartoon fox is a threat.  Maybe it's my fault for letting her watch these cartoons. Or maybe she was inevitably going to develop a fear of something at this age anyway. 

Fear is good, it keeps us safe. But sometimes it keeps us too safe.  Fear duplicitously makes us think we're being safe when really we're being held back.  Children learn fear at a tender age and before we know it, the "scary sharks" turn out to be jobs, moving, relationships and change in general.

How many times have I talked myself out of "going for" something because I convinced myself there was somebody better, or I wasn't qualified, or "someones already thought of that."  In truth, all of those things might be true but why not try anyway? Fear. Fear insidiously gets in my head becoming the voice of oppression.That voice tells me,  "You're too old now for that old dream. That ship has sailed. Hang it up, girl."   Our perception is our reality, even though it may not be real reality. We believe what
fear tells us.

You should be afraid to get in cars with strangers. That is legitimate fear.  But self-limiting, dream-killing fear should be admonished and sent to bed with no supper.  I say (and hope to practice what I'm about to preach here) throw open the doors of your dreams and walk through! Punch those scary sharks in the nose and start swimming!  Even if you fail to do what you set out to accomplish, you have succeeded.  Regret is a shark bite in and of itself.  You'll never regret reaching for something you want.
Fear keeps us from really living. To live is to grow, to thrive, to experience! Don't let fear talk you out of making changes.  Change brings growth and freshness. Live, don't merely exist.

Baby One

Autumn~

You're five months old. My goodness gracious these months have flown by.  You are the happiest
baby I've ever seen. You smile and wiggle and giggle and chuckle. Your toothless drooly grin makes me smile every time.  You're rolling over from tummy to back and back to tummy.  You reach for toys
and study your fingers.  It's been chilly, but on the warm days when you don't wear socks, it's a treat to watch you explore your toes.  I treasure these baby moments with you because I know you're my last baby. I gaze at your rubber band wrists and fatty legs. Your rolls are so chubby I could just squeeze you
all day long.  Soon you'll be sitting up and trying to crawl.  You're such a good sleeper too; sleeping 8-10 hours at night!
I give you sweet baby talk and precious nicknames like chipmunk, chumba wumba and baby one.

You are after all, my Baby One.

Love,
Mama

I wuz cankles

Wren~

You're not really a toddler anymore. You're starting to be a kid.  The chubby budda belly is
slimming down. You're getting tall and lean. Those cankles are nearly gone too.  You were such a cute baby and now you're turning into such a pretty little girl.  You're thoughtful and sweet, always saying thank you and your welcome. You're just starting to pay attention to your baby sister. I swell with love when I see you smiling and interacting with her.  You also have a new bff. Our dog, Mya.  You share your snacks with her, even when I tell you not to. You love to take her for walks so you can hold the leash. I think your favorite time is when she lays next to you on the couch while you watch cartoons. 

You're asserting your independence each day, telling us, "You stay here!" while you attempt to go do something by yourself.  The other day while you and I were eating lunch you starting asking "why" to everything I said. I starting laughing and said, "oh no oh no oh no!" as I realized we'd hit the "why" stage.  You were hilarious; getting a bewildered look on your face, you tried to formulate a very complex thought and asked me, "Mama, why you say, 'oh no?'"  You were trying to understand my reaction.  It just made me realize how big you're getting and how complex your thoughts and words are getting.

You do have a habit of raising your voice, stomping your foot and crossing your arms if you don't get your way. Hmmm, I wonder where that stubborness comes from.

My favorite times are when you sit on my lap and snuggle. I say, "I love you Birdy," and you (sucking your thumb and twirling your hair) look up at me sideways and say, "I wuz you too mama."

I will always wuz you Birdy.

Love,
Mama

Wyons and Tigers

Tonight in the backyard Wren was yelling at our dog, Mya, to stop eating squirrel poop.  It was hilarious! We also went around the yard in a virtual "snowstorm" of dandelion seeds floating in the air picking said "danda wyons."  Wren is going through a very counterdependent phase right now.  I believe shrinks call it the "separation process" and the rest of us call it the "terrible twos."  She wants to help us do everything, which really is more of a hindrance mostly. Except when I'm making dinner and need her to rock her baby sisters swing and talk to her. Or when I have Autumns pumpkin seat in the big part of the shopping cart and Wren is riding in the rumble seat and I need her to turn around and smile, talk and rock her baby sister while I get some shopping done.  It makes up for the times she wants to help feed the dog; one piece of dog food at a time.

We have our house on the market.  I spend a certain amount of time stuffing mail, toys, stray socks and washcloths into various hiding places and then can't find them again.    Most of our belongings are in storage but the few that remain in the house keep getting shuffled in the name of keeping the house staged.  It's a huge pain in the ass. But alas, I can't wait to sell this house.  It's in a very busy part of the city. We live near a hospital so the siren noise is all the time.  Siren noise all the time will make a person edgy and anxious.  Give me a home where the buffalo roam and the skies are not cloudy all day....

Autumn is such a sweet and happy baby. She smiles and laughs more in one day than Wren would in a week at that age. I choose to breastfeed. Wren was a marathon feeder. She would languish on my breast for 30-45 minutes. She was a gentle, thoughtful feeder though. Never biting or tugging.  Autumn is much different.  She's a sprinter. She's done nursing within ten minutes.  If you look at my boobs though, it looks like I've been breastfeeding a baby tiger.  While she eats, she pinches, kneads and scratches with her sharp little fingernails.  And she pops off the boob with a lip smack so loud she wakes herself up.  Startled, she looks up at me like I did something, then grin.  Even her eyes smile.

My girls. They make me tired. They make me smile.

Pony Girl

Wren~

Tonight you galloped and neighed all over the house pretending to be a horse.
My heart smiled. The best part is that I didn't teach you to do it.
  I used to gallop and neigh pretending to be a horse when I was a kid too.
You are going to be my pony girl :)

Love,
mama

Potty talk

To my girls,

Autumn, you pee more than anybody I know. Today I changed your diaper and before I even picked you up, you peed again. You do this a lot. It makes me laugh, which makes you laugh. I love it.

Wren, today while I was changing Autumn diaper you were supposed to be sitting on the potty. You showed up in the doorway with your pants around your ankles to announce that you peed on the potty. I praised you and asked you to go wipe yourself and wait for me in the bathroom. When I got there, the toilet was half full of toilet paper. I laughed. Too cute.

You both make me smile :)

Thoughts of a stay at home mom.

Little dog sleeping next to me on the couch. Big dog sleeping in the kitchen. Littlest baby asleep in her swing. Toddler sleeping in her bed, with a fever.  Mama sitting in the couch contemplating lifes biggest questions. I gotta stop doing that. I get so restless sometimes; wondering if I'm making the right choices. Am I happy enough? Am I screwing my kids up? Should I be working or staying at home? Will anyone notice the dust in my house, or the dog hair tumbleweeds?  Should I clean out my closet?
How long am I going to live? Why is my husband buying soda at the office; how long is he going to live?  Should we sell our house and move right now? Why does the squeaky floorboard in the hallway bother me so much?  What career do I want when I eventually go back to work? Should I play it safe or go for broke?  What color highlights do I want? How should I cut my hair? Why am I lazy about using lotion on my dry skin? When am I going back to the dentist to get my cavity filled?  Why don't I take better care of my teeth?  Is it really too much trouble to wipe my make-up off at night?  Will my mom still come visit as often if we move across town?  Why do I put so much pressure on myself? Why can't I live in the moment? Why do I procrastinate? Why can't I just pick one thing and do it?  Why am I a lazy cook most of the time?  Why do donuts tempt me so much? Why don't I exercise more?  Is my stomach ever going to look decent after two c-sections? Are my boobs going to look like tube socks and tennis balls when I'm done breastfeeding?  When will I stop absorbing other peoples problems and feel them as if they were my own?  Seriously, I get anxiety when I hear about someone else having problems.  That can't be healthy.  Do I really want to move back to the country; because sometimes it's scary being far away from resources and other people? And there are no streetlights that I've become accustomed to these last 15 years away from the country. Will it be like riding a bike? Will I just get back into the country living way of life once I'm there? I want to. It makes me nervous though.
And with all those things on my mind, I must sign off. Baby Autumn hasn't pooped for two days and she decided right now, while I'm writing, would be the time to let loose.  So much time for questions but no time for answers.

Snow day Snuggles

Dear Autumn,

You're asleep on my chest in your fuzzy pink jumper. Warm and snuggly on this cold snowy day. I hope you will always want to snuggle in close for comfort from your mama.
I love you.
- Mama

Rainy Snuggles

Wren,
This morning you woke up around 7am and I took you to the potty. You're doing such a great job with potty training! It was a warm stormy morning which is unusual for January. So instead of going to the living room to watch cartoons, we went back to bed. I brought you into my bed to snuggle and listen to the rain and thunder. For about 30 minutes we snuggled on this dark rainy morning and I told you stories about a little girl and a horse. You especially liked the one about you riding a white pony in a field full of flowers while it rained. Then a rainbow came out and you and the pony smiled and you liked hearing about the colors in the rainbow. it was so great to watch you suck your thumb and twirl your hair next to me on the pillow. Your big eyes watching me as I told the stories. Maybe you'll be a snuggler after all.
Love,
Mama

8 weeks old.

Autumn,

You're such a sweet pink baby girl.
This morning you were squirmy probably from gas. I held you to my chest and rocked you as the snow fell outside on this frigid January day.
Now you're sleeping peacefully in your swing. The rhythmic sound of it swaying you is about to put me to sleep too.
Sweet dreams,
Mama