Sunday, October 7, 2007

Show me your crotch!

Ah, here I am. I have been intending to publish a blog ever since I became hopelessly addicted to a couple of other blogs. I am not making any promises of comedy, drama or profoundness. I will, however, post some of my life experiences that I think are interesting. I have a horrible memory and this blog will also serve as my crutch. Oh, most of the time this blog will pretty much be rated PG-13. So, away we go...

I got married yesterday. Again. To a different guy (thank God). Yep, it was a pretty spectacular day for me. I am going to have to describe it for you, but I have to start the night before the wedding. My fiance's brother flew in from Tampa with his own fiance' and were staying with us Friday night.
Okay, time out. Let's get some things straight, Boo is my fiance (now husband) and his brother is C, who's fiance is A. Okay, game on.
C decided he should take Boo out for the traditional rite of passage for single men who are about to get hitched. They gathered up a few other guys and went out in a limo. They went to dinner, then to a local bar. Apparently that bar was "dead" and so they *had* to go to Babes. I can see their dilemma, can't you? So, Boo ends up onstage with his own belt around his neck and roped to the infamous pole. The girls were alternatley spanking and grinding on him. I'm sure he was miserable. The only reason I know these details is because Boo knows that I detest strip clubs and that I detest lying even more. So, he felt he was safer telling me the truth than running the risk of lying to me the day of our wedding. He's a smart guy. I wasn't mad, I know it won't be a regular occurance for him to go there. Lucky for him (and me) he didn't smell like a dirty vanilla crotch. Yeesh!

So, while he was out with the guys I was hanging out with A. She's very cool and we are very similar people with similar dysfunctional pasts. We had a big time the night before my wedding. It was pretty crazy. We started the evening at the barn where my horse lives. A is a horseperson too and I wanted to introduce her to my biggest critter. We then proceeded to the tanning shop so I could get a spray tan. I am soooo white. If I didn't get some bronzing I would have looked like a big ivory blob in my ivory wedding gown. Now, this is where it gets a little interesting. We left the tanning place and got on the interstate to go to Cheesecake Factory for dinner. We were cruising along, A was talking on her cell and I noticed a car next to us. It was a brand new electric blue VW Passat with no tags. Here's what happened...

A: talking on her cell
Me: notice a car matching my speed on the passenger side
Me: notice a lean, good looking young black man driving the car
A: talking on her cell
Me: notice the man is stroking his penis
Me: "A! That guy is jacking off!"
A: "Oh my Gawd!"
Me: "What should I do?"
Jack: smiling at us while beating off
A: "Laugh!"

So, we were laughing. Let me just say, he was sitting in that Passat and the tip of his penis came all the way up to the horn on his steering wheel! He was certainly proud of himself, and we were impressed with his uh, er... stuff?...even though it was a pretty creepy situation. Eventually, he was done and we took our exit. A and I ended up eating at Panda Express in the mall, getting some Starbucks and going home to shoot the shit. Yea, I told you it was a crazy night out! That's sarcasm, people.

Tell you what, this has been an incredibly long post, so I'll post more tomorrow telling you all about my wedding day.

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